Falling in love again, never wanted to

It's 11:55 PM and I'm exhausted. But my heart is so full right now that I just have to put my thoughts and feelings down. Someone once told me that having a baby is like falling in love for the first time. My experience with having babies couldn't have been further from that despcription. Just now, however, as I snuggled into bed between my two four-and-a-half year old twins, I realized something. I fall in love with them a little bit more every singe day.

Let me back up and tell a little bit more about my story. When I was a teenager, I thought for sure that I'd have a big family. I wanted to have at least six children and I had all the names picked out. Shortly after getting married at the age of 20, however, I began to revise that idea. See, I have a problem conceiving of things that don't exist yet. The idea of bringing children into the world soon came to terrify me. In 2002, I decided that I should start thinking about having a baby even though the timing was terrible and I was afraid. Not long after that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Again, even though I was not too keen on the idea of actually creating a child, I felt that I should begin fertility treatments, albeit one small step at a time.  I had no idea how long it would actually take.

In 2006 I was working full-time as a statistician for a small company in Kansas City while my husband was just starting a medical residency in pediatrics. At first, I loved my job. After awhile, though, it started to drive me crazy for various reasons. I knew something had to change. Something was missing, but I was quite certain it wasn't children! Thankfully, my husband had a different idea. In the fall of 2006 I decided to quit my job and focus on getting pregnant. I was kind of hoping it would take several months so I could have some time to relax and prepare. Apparently, that was not in the cards... I got pregnant within one month.

I won't go into the gory details here, but my pregnancy was nothing short of horrific. I essentially spent the better part of eight months on bed rest and made at least three trips to the emergency room. I woke up every day feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn't escape. In August of 2007, R & L were born just short of 36 weeks gestation. Compared to my pregnancy, the first six months of their lives was relatively smooth and easy. Then the postpartum depression set in. Let's just say that I will not look back fondly on the time span of 2008-2010.

I was bored, overwhelmed, and depressed. I tried going back to work, but that only made things worse. I started to question my faith and my reason for existence. All good Mormon girls grow up being told that the purpose of life is to become a wife and mother and raise a family. Well, I was there and I was absolutely miserable. Granted, I wasn't blissfully happy before having kids, but I at least had periods of happiness and fulfillment. I pulled away from my extended family and started making bad decisions. Finally, at the beginning of 2011, I "came to myself" and realized I needed to put my life back in order.

As a slight side-note, I have to give credit where it's due. Zumba® Fitness changed my life. I got licensed to teach Zumba in 2010 and I finally had a reason to get up in the morning! It still took some time, however, to get everything figured out.

Tonight, my husband is working. Whenever he works all night, my kids like to sleep in my bed with me. So, after an exhausting day, I climbed into bed between the two and them, snuggled up and tried to sleep. L curled her little body right up to mine and I could smell her hair and hear her breathe. I started to say my nighttime prayers when it hit me. THIS is happiness. THIS is why I went through everything I went through. These little people bring me joy and happiness every single day and (I hope) will continue to do so for the rest of my life. THIS is what I was missing back in 2006!

So, here I am. No, my life isn't perfect. I'm actually under insane amounts of stress right now trying to sell my house, raise two active preschoolers, and teach 10 Zumba classes per week. But, every single day R & L amaze me. They make me laugh all day long. They also make me want to yell quite frequently, but there has to be opposition in all things, right? L loves to color and build castles out of legos. She is constantly asking me what different words mean and why things are the way they are. I get a kick out of trying to answer her many questions on a level she can understand. R loves video games and cars. He also loves Zumba music. He cracks me up as we drive in the car and he tries to sing the Spanish lyrics. THIS is what it means to get fulfillment out of life.

Yesterday a friend and I were talking about life's bumps and bruises and the purpose of it all. An analogy that was given at the recent General Conference of the LDS Church came to mind. I would like to share it:

"I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and went after it, and I cut it down, and pruned it, and clipped it back until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying. I was kind of simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it, and smiled, and said, 'What are you crying about?' You know, I thought I heard that currant bush talk. And I thought I heard it say this: 'How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.' [OK, I've seriously had thoughts like this.] That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, 'Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’”

And so, in the middle of my prayer tonight I said to God, "Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me." It may have seemed obvious to everybody but me, but God didn't put me through all of this because he doesn't love me or wanted to punish me or because my church is old-fashioned and out-of-touch. He did it because he knows me better than I know myself and he KNEW that this day would come.